I try to keep this blog positive and light but I've been in a flare lately and I think it's important to let you see the other side, too. The disclaimer is that I am not wallowing. I do this in the interest of being open and transparent. None of us is happy and upbeat all of the time. I have not felt fibro-MIGHTY lately, I have felt fibro-MUSHY. I have been fatigued and depressed. I have been scared. And I scared my husband a week ago.
I work a retail job and we had a massive sale for all of Thanksgiving week. I worked a lot of extra hours that week and spent most of that on my feet running the cash register, which involved keeping my arms elevated. This led to muscle pain and joint aches in my neck and shoulders. I overworked myself and then got scary family news in the middle of my exhaustion. I worked extra hours the following week, as well, and I was having trouble sleeping due to pain and emotional distress, which of course led to greater pain and distress.
I have always been called a strong person and have always had others look to me for emotional support. Over the years I took this to mean that I am not entitled to my own problems or to being vulnerable. I have felt like I have to be a rock, be superwoman, be the groundpole to those around me with unwavering strength. Sometimes knowing that has been encouraging, but not lately. I didn't want to burden my husband with my fears and sadness. I didn't feel like I had anyone I could share my pain with. I felt alone. And I broke. Everyone has a limit. Mine was a long time coming but when I hit it, the results were nearly catastrophic.
I'm not ready for full disclosure yet. What I will say is that I went to a bad place and it terrified me and Obi-John. I have put off weaning off of my anti-depressant for the foreseeable future. I need the extra help right now. I need to find a professional to speak to. I was scolded by the hubby for not being forthcoming with him. He pointed out that he is my rock just as I am his. I found friends who I was able to be open with and who straightened me out on a few things. I am coming to terms with the fact that strong doesn't mean invincible or invulnerable. I have promised to be open with my feelings and allow others to be strong when I feel weak. I have promised to quit bottling things up for fear of being a burden. Apparently, that's what spouses are for--something about vows and whatnot. ;)
Today was a great day. I took time for me. I slept in, got a deluxe pedicure, and played games on my computer. I took joy in my sons when they got home from school. I am full of holiday cheer. Tomorrow might be another rough day but I know that I have others to lean on, and that it's okay to do so. I think what I've learned most of all is that sometimes part of being strong is knowing when it's okay to be weak. As one friend explained, I can't support my family if I'm running on empty. I am grateful for my support network.
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