Wow. It has been awhile. To be honest, I've been struggling. Not all with the fibro, I've been a little overwhelmed with life. Big Red started middle school this year and he joined band and Robotics Club. Obi John and I decided to join the boys in doing martial arts. I am still loving my position at the preschool but it is very busy and takes a lot of energy so I get home tired. I'm still singing with the choir and helping with the youth group at church. It has also been made clear to me that my undiagnosed ADHD is becoming an issue. I feel awash. I feel like I'm failing at everything. I don't want to give anything up--not helping with robotics, working with youth, being a Younique presenter, or writing this blog. I feel more than ever that my purpose in life is to help others. I can't give that up but I need to help myself some, too.
I've bought a couple of books about getting organized and on top of things with ADHD and so far I'm learning a lot. The struggle to be organized coupled with chronic fatigue and pain is a potent cocktail. Have I talked about the guilt before? If I focus on one area I feel guilt for falling behind on another. If I take time for me then I feel guilty for not giving time to my kids or husband. It's a vicious cycle that I haven't learned to control. Guilt over not being more efficient at work, guilt over not being a better volunteer for robotics, guilt for not being more aware of my kids' school stuff, guilt over not cooking real meals regularly, guilt over not working my makeup business, guilt over not being a better housekeeper, guilt over not being a better youth leader, guilt, guilt, guilt. Ever-present, coming in waves. Am I good enough? Am I letting people down?
I have no answer to this conundrum. I pray for guidance. I work on getting organized piece by piece. I think it might be a good start. If I'm better organized I can get more done, right? This is the hard part; finding the time to work on organizing in addition to making sure I rest enough to keep the pain and fatigue at bay. It's time to beat the guilt back and work on one baby step at a time.
