Like so many things, the emotions and feelings of fibro come in phases, like the pain itself. Unlike some processes, though, the Phases of Fibro do not end at Acceptance. They are not linear. They come and go in an endless circle. Some days are good and some are bad in the quagmire that is fibro. You can go for months feeling great and confident and like nothing can keep you down. And then you get hit with a bad day--the kind of day that makes you feel like giving up. For me, understanding a problem makes it easier for me to cope. So here is my list of the Phases of Fibro:
Frustration, Part 1: this is the one that comes before your diagnosis. It is the frustration of not knowing why you hurt and are tired all the time. Mixed in with this version of frustration is Worry. Worry that you have something terminal or that you'll never have an answer. And it's the frustration of knowing that you hurt for a reason that no doctor has an answer for. All your tests are normal but you are clearly not okay.
Panic: this one hits right after diagnosis. It's the "How am I going to live like this for the rest of my life?" It's panic over the thought that you will never have a normal life or the life you planned for. It's panic over how bad things are going to get. It's panic over how your loved ones and friends will feel about you having a debilitating illness.
Depression: "How can I live like this? How can anyone love me or want to be with me? I'm worthless; I can't do my part and I'm letting everyone down." This one's a bitch. This phase leads to deep, dark places that are difficult to crawl out of. This phase is the most debilitating--moreso than the fibro itself. It's the hardest to fight and the worst to watch from the outside. It hits when you least expect it.
Guilt: the evil stepsister of Depression. You feel guilty about turning down fun things or time with others. You feel guilty about being tired all the time and not getting enough done. It's irrational but no less real.
Anger: "This sucks! I hate being limited. I hate this pain." This phase can be productive as long as you don't let it consume you. Use the anger for good and to push through other phases. Don't let it make you bitter or angry toward other people.
Frustration, Part 2: "I hate not being able to do all the things I used to do." This is the phase that can get you into trouble when you think you can take on more than you really should. It gets tied up with anger and depression, and can sometimes result from Determination. Or it can result from knowing in advance when you are going to face extra pain. Like when the weather forecast shows a week of rainy weather and that's one of your triggers.
Determination: usually comes after Anger. "I won't let this stop me from living a full life! I'm going to find ways to beat the pain!" This is a great phase! I live here a lot. It's the phase that prompted me to start this blog and to keep it up. "This is my fight song; take back my life song..." You can sing the rest.
Acceptance: a very good place to be as long as you maintain it with an edge of determination. "I can deal with this. I have to make allowances but I can live with this. I have found coping mechanisms and I'll keep looking for more." This is the zen phase. It doesn't mean you like what you're facing but that you are coping well. It can be tinted with either hope or despair, unfortunately. You have to keep the scale tilted toward hope.
Today I have struggled with Guilt, Frustration, Acceptance, and Determination. I'm not sure which one is winning right now--I'm tired, didn't do as much as I had planned, I can see the rainy weather coming, and I wouldn't let myself skip writing this post. Gentle hugs!
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